If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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