I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
You were trust falling into bushes
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
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