eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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