i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I am one with the molecules
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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