i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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