I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
