I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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