i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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