my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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