I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
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