I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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