Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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