I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
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