In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Randomize
