my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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