smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
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