this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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