I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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