Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
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