I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
