Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
