Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
what is it with giant penises always finding me
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
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