You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
