The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
