I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
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