OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
Randomize
