This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
