thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Randomize
