i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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