i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
