I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
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