I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
