he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
