i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
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