I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
