Your face is a jimmy john
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
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