I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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