You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
