i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
