where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
and she was petting her beer can
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize