you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
the day after is always just damage control
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
