one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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