dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
