I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
