Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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