omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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