One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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