This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
