I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
either way he was missing a nipple.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
