And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
