Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize