She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
