FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
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