I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Randomize
