sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
