I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I could make wine with my vomit
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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