Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
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