i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
