I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Randomize